Nine years ago, in November 2008, I was scared about maybe dying but it could be worse refocused my thoughts. Having learned about my MS, the news drastically impacted my life. At that time, many symptoms experienced at once made me unable to do much more than sit. Back then I had a persona of perfection and wanted to hide; I felt horrified to show the real me. I showed what I wanted the world to think about me but because of MS my life became exposed and on public display. (It was truly a horrible time because: I had an incurable disease; I had a “new normal” but very much wanted my old normal; I had to quit working; I was very busy and didn’t have time to be sick; my church duties were given to someone else; I and everyone in my world wanted me to bounce back but it didn’t happen; reoccurring (severe to me) symptoms happened to me every day; all my (important to me) skills and abilities were gone; my life was on display.)
In 2010 – at my lowest point – my mind questioned my beliefs almost every day and I became VERY frustrated; my thoughts often turned to MS causing me to die. In June of 2010 a very startling thought entered my mind that shook me to my core. I want to live! I thought. It was a turning point for me and the moment that changed my life because instead of thinking about dying I thought about living, and instead of realizing what I couldn’t do my mind told me what I could.
My personality began to improve after the startling thought and over the next seven years I became my true self. I learned to: love myself; be kind and gentle to me; know I always did my best (even if my best was just a desire); think correctly; think truly optimistic thoughts-realistic but hopeful; be patient-even for the rest of my life; honestly acknowledge the good; accept my skills; see my talents; submit; have great faith; ask unwaveringly.
Today, in November 2017, I’ve learned too many things to name. Looking back I see the Lord’s hand in my life from the time my mind thought it could be worse. Back in 2008 I wanted to hide but having PBA meant the inability to hide my emotions-whatever I felt was said or shown by me. My personality and thinking have improved in so many ways that the list is too long to say. Sufficiently said, I’m a new creature and having submitted to the chrysalis am transformed and feel so very grateful.