Today I awoke at 7:00am. I did my morning iPad routine (check email, bank accounts, my calendar and a few friends on Instagram), had breakfast and watched a few YouTube clips before turning off the TV and starting my day by running a load of laundry and doing a bit of tidying up.
I feel absolutely exhausted now while sitting in my reclining chair. Fingerprints could easily be wiped off of walls and the cups cabinet door in the kitchen could just as easily be closed, but cleaning takes too much of my energy and it’s too far to walk into the kitchen, so I opt for sitting in my chair instead.
Ugh!! It’s a constant battle within me of wanting to do stuff but then realizing my limitations and instead being good to myself. Don’t be fooled: I may not do physical things right now, but would if I could. I’m not lamenting but simply stating my reality.
The good news is looking on the bright side. While sitting in my chair I have a choice. Either, feel bad and lament about how it sucks, or divert my attention to what makes me feel good. The choice is mine. I choose diverting my attention. Many good things have come from me sitting like, giving myself a break, pampering myself and surrendering my will to His.
- Giving myself a break: I used to be very hard on myself and always expected me to give more. Many times I would think or say, “I can sleep when I’m dead” meaning I’m tired but I’ll keep going. (Everything I do is to the ultimate degree including serving, cleaning and working.) Before having MS everything I did meant me putting myself last or nowhere because it was always about others. It’s still about others but now it’s about me, too. I give myself a break by knowing how much is enough for me to give and no longer push myself too far.
- Pampering myself: Like I said, I used to never give myself a break; my erroneous thoughts often told me that no one was on my side, including me. I used to do it all and felt uncomfortable letting others serve me because then I wasn’t self-reliant. Having MS taught me that letting others do things for me showed their love. (I don’t expect people to serve me but when they do I see how much they care.) I used to think people didn’t care about me but now I know they do and if they want to show it, I let them. Some might think I’m a pampered Princess and I say, “Yes, yes I am and my thanks doesn’t adequately express my gratitude in knowing love.”
- Surrendering my will to His: I’m the first to admit that I’m a control freak. I like to call the shots in my life and make decisions because I have complete trust and belief in my abilities. Having MS is the perfect trial for me because it absolutely removes many of my abilities and so what can I do but give things up? What have I given up? Cooking, grocery shopping and maintaining the kitchen-to my husband; Driving-to my youngest son when he’s in town; Cleaning-to housekeepers. I buy what’s needed online and no longer do many things. Most of my expectations have either changed or dissolved. Best of all, if the Lord wants me to sit when I want to do so much more, I’ll sit because I want what He wants.
It’s all about my heart. My gut instinct is getting mad and feeling upset and out of control, but then my rational instinct is taking a breath and letting things be as they are, like somehow everything around me is paused while I decide how I am. Having MS has improved me to respond instead of react.